I hate being sick
I realize part of why I hate being sick - apart from, you know, just feeling sick. (I have the flu or someting right now.)
When I’m sick all my defenses are down and in many ways the real “me” comes out - the selfish, lazy, undisciplined side of me cannot be defended against. Normally I keep that side of me tucked out of the way but like I said: my defeneses are down.
When I’m sick I’m ultimately self-concerned. I want to be well, and I don’t want anyone else around getting in my way while I am recovering. I don’t feel like talking, so don’t talk to me. If you do something that bugs me, then you better watch out. (Wow, I feel bad for my roomies when I’m sick.) I am self-concerned, self-absorbed, and thinking primarily about (you guessed it): myself.
Okay, sure, you might think that being sick is the one time you should be concerned about yourself. I’m not arguing with that.
I just don’t like that I’m really such a selfish person. And I only get to see how selfish when I come down with something. A cold. The flu. They keep me from pouring forth the energy and thought and time into things that I’m accustomed to. And that’s frustrating for me too.
I can sometimes cover up my own loneliness by accomplishing things - accomplishments that temporarily convince me I really am important and loved. But when I’m sick all that gets stripped away.
Sigh.