My 12 Days of Christmas
Here’s my recap of my time in the “12 Days of Christmas” show I invited you to earlier.
Its Sunday night and the show is finally done.
I loved this. Being a part of the show… learning each little bit of dancing… choreography… acting.
I loved getting to know the kids and the parents and yes: I even loved the long hours spent at the studio. I was especially thrilled with the adrenaline and nervousness that rushed through me just before going on stage.
This was, indeed, a lot of fun for me.
It’s not to say this wasn’t hard - it was. I think I’ve been perpetually tired over these past few weeks. Tired in a good way, though. Ballet has pressed my body more than anything else in recent memory - not even my most active salsa dancing came close to this.
Dance, when done well, looks easy. When an audience watches even technically difficult artistry, they ought to think “wow, that looks effortless.” (Dancers also say this is why they’re underpaid - all their work looks easy. 
) I can assure you though, it’s not - but I’ll save the details of that for another post.
The Director
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed working working under Theresa Slobodnik, our director. It’s been fun, too, in the sense that I understand much of her struggle, which is that of any artist: how do I translate my vision (what is in my head) into reality, using the raw materials available to me?
Having directed (very small) drama sketches and video shorts, I know what’s it like to think “Yes: it’s going to look like this!” and then to get to the location or the moment of to realize, “Oh…, all the case/crew/etc. can really do is this.”
Every artist is limited by the raw materials available to them. When people are the marble that you’re setting out to hew and fashion, greatness and disappointment are closely twined.
Sometimes Terry got frustrated. Sometimes she was ecstatic. She continually asked for more. As we began doing full runs of the show and nearing our performances, I vividly remember her saying to the cast, “My job is not to tell you how good you are; my job is to get this ready for the stage.”
And that’s what she did.
Talent versus Work
I’m more on the “work” side of the equation than the “talent” side. For all the dancing I have done, for as good as I thought I was… I am not a ballet dancer. (Yet.)
In my metaphor of “language as dance”, ballet was a very foreign language to me - almost like I’d been speaking 5th grade pidgin English my whole life and suddenly forced to recite Latin poetry. I was that inept.
My recourse? Practice. Lots of practice.
I went into work early so I could take an extended lunch for a rehearsal at the studio. I took extra classes to try and learn proper technique. There were rehearsals for hours on end on Saturdays and Sundays… and still I would stay longer, working just 5 seconds of choreography over and over (and over…) until my body could finally do it.
And I loved it.
I loved feeling like was I “getting it”… if even a little. I loved that I didn’t get it - because here at last is something that challenged all of what I know and can do… and it pulls me to be more.
I find satisfaction in struggle - especially a struggle for beauty.
No Longer Waiting
This show is far different that the one I wrote about before.
This time I told lots of people about it - how could I not? I invited lots of people, too. (Even my parents.) I wanted everyone to come and see, even though I played a relatively small role. I wanted them to experience what I had to offer, and understand why I put in so much time and energy into it.
I wanted them to see something I considered beautiful… even at the risk they might not see it the same way.
I guess that’s probably one of the biggest changes for me: though I still fear the moments where I love something deeply and then learn an other does not… I was more willing to take that risk this time. Maybe part of it was that I knew my friends well enough to know that they would enjoy the show overall, regardless of my presence.
But still… I wonder if they know how deeply rewarding it was for me to be able to find them all out in the lobby, waiting to see me, to tell me, “congratulations!” and share what they thought of the show. (Big thanks to Jess, who grabbed me before I left out the back way and told me to go to the lobby!)
Beauty
In our twisted and fallen world, beauty seems to be a drug that people grasp and struggle for to make themselves feel “okay”.
In the course of working on the show, I learned my joy came in trying to give beauty away. Whether through service to my fellow dancers, or a movement or two for the audience, or simply to offer out instead of take in… I was happiest in the giving.
I hope to continue.